Boundaries as Self-Care: Building a Healthier Life
Boundaries play a crucial role in maintaining balance and security in a person's life.
You often hear about the importance of setting boundaries to maintain healthy relationships, but what does this really mean? In the simplest terms, a boundary is a line or edge that defines you as separate from others (Katherine, 2010). Healthy boundaries, on the other hand, define appropriate behavior in our relationships and serve as behaviors that keep both parties safe. Establishing healthy boundaries is essential for self-care, positive relationships, and, in short, a healthy life. When you identify what you need to feel safe and healthy and create tools to protect yourself, boundaries can have a positive impact on your overall well-being. Additionally, when you understand how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, you can avoid the buildup of anger and frustration when your boundaries are crossed.
Boundaries vary from person to person and are determined by differences in culture, personality, and social context. Setting boundaries defines our expectations of ourselves and others in different types of relationships (Nash, 2018). Living within established boundaries reduces stress, especially in relation to personal responsibilities and duties, and increases life satisfaction. On the other hand, defining responsibilities in relationships clarifies where your responsibilities and authority end and where the other person's responsibilities begin. Healthy boundaries are critical to your well-being (Oswald, 2023). In this mini sketch, we will discuss what it means to set boundaries, define ways to establish healthy boundaries, and highlight the benefits of living with healthy boundaries.
How are Boundaries Defined?
Boundaries are limits you set for yourself and enforce through actions and communication. When defining boundaries, it can be helpful to distinguish between hard and soft boundaries:
Hard Boundaries: Things that are non-negotiable and you are unwilling to compromise on.
Soft Boundaries: Boundaries that are more flexible. They are things you are more willing to compromise or negotiate.
Within hard and soft boundaries, there are different types of boundaries you may want to incorporate in your various relationships.
Physical Boundaries: Physical boundaries protect your space and body, your right not to be touched, and to have privacy. These types of boundaries inform others how close they can be to you, what kind of physical touch you are comfortable with, and how much privacy you need.
Sexual Boundaries: Your preferences around intimacy fall under sexual boundaries. They define what kind of sexual touch and intimacy you are comfortable with, how often, when, where, and with whom.
Emotional Boundaries: When protecting your emotional well-being, you are creating emotional boundaries. These include sharing your personal feelings and how other people's feelings impact you.
Material/Financial Boundaries: Financial and material boundaries protect your financial resources and your right to spend your money as you choose.
Time Boundaries: Time boundaries protect how you use your time. They protect you from agreeing to do things you don’t want to do, having people waste your time, and feeling burned out.
Boundary issues arise in many different situations and various parts of your life. However, it is common for boundary issues to go unnoticed until they have been crossed. A few of the most common signs that your boundaries need attention include, but are not limited to:
Feeling taken advantage of in certain situations.
Saying ‘’yes’’ to please others at your own expense.
Not having your needs met because you fear conflict.
Often feeling disrespected by others, but not standing up for yourself.
Engaging in people-pleasing behaviors in order to be liked.
How are Healthy Boundaries Established?
Setting healthy boundaries requires assertiveness and good communication skills. When assertiveness and good communication skills come together, you can express your feelings clearly and respectfully, get people to listen to you, and comfortably convey your needs and priorities (Nash, 2018).
First, consider the answers to the following questions to help you define the boundaries you want to set for yourself (Oswald, 2023):
Which relationships in my life cause me stress and anxiety?
Am I trying to control the feelings, thoughts, or behaviors of the person(s) around me?
Does the value that people around me show me change depending on how well I fulfill their wishes?
Do I feel that I am being mistreated or taken advantage of?
According to Tawwab (2021), the three easy steps to setting healthy boundaries are as follows:
1. Be as clear and understandable as possible, and communicate without raising your voice.
2. Instead of talking about things you don't want or don't like, state your needs or desires directly.
3. You should accept any discomfort that arises as a result, regardless of guilt, shame, or regret.
Following these three steps appropriately can help you choose not to tolerate unhealthy relationships, avoid being in places you don’t want to be, or doing things you don’t like (Nash, 2018). While setting boundaries is an action that affects your entire life and may involve challenging and uncomfortable processes, it will ultimately benefit your overall well-being in the long run.
On the other hand, setting boundaries can be more difficult for some people. If you struggle with anxiety and depression, you may experience difficulty creating and maintaining healthy boundaries. However, once you have a firm understanding of what boundaries are and the important role they play, you are ready to establish healthy boundaries in the various areas of your life. Here are some other helpful strategies that can assist you in the boundary-setting process:
Think through what you need: You may not know which parts of your life are most in need of boundaries. Give yourself time and space for self-reflection, then process your thoughts to gain a better understanding.
Use your values to guide you: When setting boundaries, they need to be in line with your values. For example, if you value time to practice religious beliefs, you may establish a boundary that you will not work during religious service times. When you are aware of your values and prioritize them, you have more control over certain parts of your life.
Understand that different relationships require different boundaries: Boundaries vary depending on the situation and the people involved. For example, you may have very flexible boundaries with an intimate partner, but have more rigid boundaries with co-workers. When you understand the types of boundaries that are appropriate for your relationships, you are able to maintain healthy relationships in all areas of your life.
Boundary-setting takes practice: As you start setting boundaries, you may feel anxious and uncomfortable. Even though it is difficult in the beginning, knowing and enforcing your limitations will help you build courage and self-respect.
Discuss your boundaries respectfully: Once you have identified what parts of your life need boundaries, it is time to implement them. This could involve things like clarifying your reasons for boundaries, practicing saying ‘no’ to others, or expressing discomfort with someone’s behavior. However, you may experience ‘pushback’ from others who do not agree with your boundaries. These people may try to convince you to change your mind regarding your boundaries, but it is important to remain firm in your decision. Remember, maintaining boundaries takes time and practice.
Recognize changes in relationships: When you establish healthy boundaries, some people may become irritated or upset. Additionally, some people may even continue to disrespect your boundaries. Sometimes, the healthiest decision is to distance yourself from individuals who choose not to respect your boundaries.
What are the Benefits of Having Healthy Boundaries?
Establishing healthy boundaries provides many benefits to life. Here are some of the contributions healthy boundaries make to life (Williams, 2023; Nash, 2018):
Help us understand who we are and what we like and dislike.
Enable us to prioritize the things that are important to us.
Promote respect and self-confidence.
Make us feel happier and safer within our relationships.
Help us avoid feelings of burnout.
Contribute to mental and emotional well-being.
In conclusion, setting healthy boundaries is an important life skill necessary for establishing and maintaining healthy relationships. Setting boundaries may seem selfish at first, but it is important to remember that this skill is necessary for your mental and emotional health. Finally, while setting boundaries is very important, respecting the boundaries of others, including family, friends, coworkers, and others you interact with, is equally important. When you have healthy boundaries and approach the boundaries of those around you with respect, you will see your relationships grow and your life become more balanced.
Takeaways:
Boundaries encompass interpersonal boundaries shaped by personality, culture, and context.
The most important role of boundaries in life is to provide balance and security in an individual’s life.
Healthy boundaries arise within the framework of self-awareness, clear communication, and respect.
Establishing healthy boundaries requires first clearly defining your own needs and values, then expressing those needs in an open, respectful, and assertive manner.
References
Oswald, R. (2023, December 27). Map it out: Setting boundaries for your well-being. Mayo Clinic Health System. https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/setting-boundaries-for-well-being
Williams, J. A. (2023). Create a Healthy and Happy Life with Effective Boundaries. Heartmanity. https://blog.heartmanity.com/create-a-healthy-and-happy-life-with-effective-boundaries
Nash, J. (2018, January 5). How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive Relationships. PositivePsychology. https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
Katherine, A. (2010). Boundaries: where you end and I begin. Hazelden Publishing.
Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself. Little Brown Book Group.