Should we try couples therapy?
Many hesitations about couples therapy stem from the misconception that it signals failure or blame, when in reality it can support understanding and improve communication at any level of difficulty.
Relationships can feel surprisingly hard to hold onto at times, even though they remain one of our most important sources of love, attachment, and closeness. In moments like these, reaching out for professional support, such as couples therapy, can be transformative.
Still, couples therapy is often surrounded by myths and quiet hesitations. And because of that, many of us delay or avoid it altogether. But in reality, couples therapy can be a space that supports us in working through challenges, understanding our needs and how to meet them better, navigating conflict, finding our way back to each other, or sometimes toward a new understanding or an entirely new beginning. In this therapy sketch, we’ll look at some common myths and barriers around couples therapy, when it might be helpful to start, and how change actually happens in the process.
Common barriers to couples therapy:
Couples therapy means our relationship is failing
Sometimes, couples therapy can seem like a sign of serious trouble or be associated with a relationship that has “failed.” Or it can be viewed as something only relevant to issues like infidelity, parenting, or marriage, or as a sign that a breakup may be imminent. However, these beliefs can create barriers to seeking support and prevent couples from getting the help and care they truly need. Therapy can provide a deeper understanding of ourselves and our relationships without necessarily signaling a breakup or requiring major triggering events, and help repair communication, connection, and intimacy.
Only long-term or married couples need therapy
Couples therapy is often perceived as a process necessary only for long-term relationships, marriages, or couples “facing serious problems.” As a result, some individuals may feel that their relationship hasn’t lasted long enough, isn’t “bad enough,” or that they aren’t experiencing problems serious enough to justify seeking therapy. However, research shows that relationship interventions have been developed not only for married couples experiencing high levels of conflict but also for couples at different stages of their relationship, including those dating, engaged, or beginning to experience a decline in relationship satisfaction (Bradbury & Bodenmann, 2020).
My partner will not come to therapy with me
The willingness to seek couples therapy is often not equal between partners. While one partner may be seeking support for the relationship, the other may feel distant, indecisive, or resistant to therapy. This situation typically stems not from a lack of value placed on the relationship but rather from fears of blame, anxiety about emotional vulnerability, pressure to change, or the belief that therapy implies “something is truly wrong with the relationship” (Hubbard & Anderson, 2022).
Research indicates that among the most common factors hindering couples from starting therapy are one partner’s lack of trust in therapy, concerns that the therapist might take sides, discomfort with the private sphere of the relationship being exposed, and uncertainty about how the therapy process will unfold (Hubbard & Anderson, 2022). For some people, therapy may be associated more with the fear of criticism or a sense of failure than with the search for solutions.
On the other hand, if efforts to repair the relationship are perceived as one-sided, this can intensify feelings of loneliness, burnout, and a sense of not being understood. Especially in relationships marked by long-standing recurring conflicts, communication breakdowns, or emotional distance, the rejection of a request for therapy can affect the person’s sense of hope and trust in the relationship. However, the partner’s lack of readiness for therapy does not mean the relationship cannot change. Sometimes the process requires first understanding the fears, defenses, and needs that have developed within the relationship.
Therapy or talking might make things worse.
Some partners may view therapy not as a space that supports the relationship, but as a process where existing problems will become more apparent, and conflicts will intensify. Especially for couples dealing with long-standing recurring arguments, criticism-defense cycles, emotional withdrawal, or unresolved relationship issues, the idea of therapy can trigger a fear in some people that it will “make an already difficult situation even worse.” The prospect of unspoken issues being brought to the surface in therapy, the resurfacing of repressed anger or resentment, or the possibility of confronting uncertainties about the relationship’s future can make therapy feel like an emotionally threatening experience. Therefore, resistance to therapy does not always stem from a lack of value placed on the relationship, but rather from anxieties about the current balance of the relationship being disrupted.
Reports show that couples therapy can be an emotionally challenging experience, particularly for couples experiencing high levels of conflict, insecure attachment patterns, or intense relationship stress. Couple therapy typically involves a more direct examination of the relationship patterns, emotional needs, and interaction styles that partners tend to avoid (Bradbury & Bodenmann, 2020). For this reason, some individuals may view therapy not as a space for healing, but rather as a process that brings the fragility of the relationship to light.
When is a good time to seek couples therapy?
For some of us, we may tend to seek support for our relationship when we experience heightened stress and conflict, where patterns of blame, avoidance, aggression, or crises increase (Parnell et al., 2018). Similarly, certain events may also trigger a change in direction in our relationship, leading us to consider counseling, including infidelity or role and identity changes (e.g., becoming a caregiver). However, we may not always need support for major changes or obvious disruptions in the relationship. Sometimes, the challenges we experience can be subtle, complex, and hard to name, leaving us feeling confused and frustrated. We might be experiencing a sense of declining satisfaction and connection, or a feeling of stagnation and lack of inspiration. Moreover, challenges we experience in our individual lives might be complicating our relationships, or our relationships might be complicating our personal lives, leaving us overwhelmed about where to begin. Similarly, due to discrimination and oppression existing in the majority of our systems, we might be experiencing issues that are more systemic, blocking an authentic expression of our identity and culture with respect to our relationship. Couples counseling and therapy can be helpful in all of these situations, offering support and connection to resources that help us navigate our relationships as we wish to.
Regarding the timing of seeking professional help, recent systematic reviews show that, among couples who sought couples counseling or therapy, the average time to seek help was around 2.7 years (Doherty et al., 2021). While when we seek help can connect us with different levels of resources, and in some cases, early support can help prevent escalation, research also shows that the effectiveness of couples counseling and therapy is not only determined by how early help is sought but also by a variety of other factors, such as both partners’ motivation and engagement, the severity and nature of relationship difficulties, the therapeutic alliance, readiness for change, communication patterns, and the fit between the couple and the therapeutic approach (Davis et al., 2011; Lebow & Snyder, 2022). That’s why reaching out for support can be meaningful, regardless of where we are in our relationship. Connecting with support can help us experience relief, stability, and a sense of grounding while building resilience and fulfillment.
How does couples therapy help?
The way couples therapy creates change is multifaceted. Factors related to the couple, the therapist, the method being used, and the relationship between the couple and the therapist collectively determine the effectiveness of the process. In particular, the therapeutic relationship we have with our therapist, including the bond we build with them, our shared goals, and expectations regarding therapy and tasks, can affect the level of change we experience (Davis et al., 2011).
In addition, certain processes shared across different modalities and approaches may be helping couples therapy work. These include understanding and conceptualizing problems in relational terms, identifying and disrupting dysfunctional patterns that create distress in couples, and cultivating warmth, connection, and conflict management skills (Davis et al., 2011; Halford & Pepping, 2019).
It appears that couples therapy can provide our relationship with a containing space where we can begin to understand ourselves and our relationships better. It helps us learn how to communicate more clearly and in ways we desire. For example, we can learn to listen to each other without escalating conflict. It can also help us rebuild trust, feel emotionally and physically closer, and manage conflict without damaging the relationship or sacrificing the self. For example, it can help us express our needs more clearly and understand the reasoning behind certain emotions or behaviors such as defensiveness, contempt, criticism, or stonewalling.
In addition, it can strengthen friendship and intimacy, and create space and capacity for individual expression and fulfillment with balanced boundaries in a relationship. It can increase inner space and provide tools for emotional attunement, appreciation, and empathy. It also helps cultivate moments of connection and relatedness. Overall, couples therapy can be a great support in creating a relationship space that feels safe, respectful, connected, and resilient.
Takeaways:
Many hesitations about couples therapy come from misconceptions that it means failure, blame, or worsening conflict, when it can actually support understanding and communication, independent of the intensity of issues.
Couples therapy can benefit partners at any stage, including dating or newly committed relationships, as well as those in long-term relationships.
Couples therapy helps partners understand relationship patterns, relieve dysfunctional patterns, improve communication, rebuild connection, and create a safer, more resilient relationship.
Couples therapy can lead to change through a variety of mechanisms, including factors related to the couple, the therapist, and the therapeutic relationship. Still, common techniques may include identifying and interrupting unhealthy relationship patterns, improving connection and relatedness, and navigating conflict with care and respect.
References:
Davis, S. D., Lebow, J. L., & Sprenkle, D. H. (2011). Common factors of change in couple therapy. Behavior Therapy, 43(1), 36–48. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2011.01.009
Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., Hall, E. L., & Hubbard, A. K. (2021). How long do people wait before seeking couples therapy? A research note. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 47(4), 882–890. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12479
Halford, W. K., & Pepping, C. A. (2019). What every therapist needs to know about couple therapy. Behaviour Change, 36(3), 121–142. https://doi.org/10.1017/bec.2019.12
Hubbard, A. K., & Anderson, J. R. (2022). Understanding barriers to couples therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12589
Lebow, J., & Snyder, D. K. (2022). Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Family Process, 61(4), 1359–1385. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12824
Parnell, K. J., Scheel, M. J., Davis, C. K., & Black, W. W. (2018). An investigation of couples’ help-seeking: A multiple case study. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 40(1), 110–117. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-017-9427-9
Bradbury, T. N., & Bodenmann, G. (2020). Interventions for couples. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 16, 99–123. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-071519-020546