What is emotional masochism?

Emotional masochism (sometimes referred to as grief masochism or “glad to be sad”) refers to the emotional pain individuals may inflict on themselves without any intention of stopping.

The word “masochism” refers to the psychological, physical, or s-xual pleasure or gratification that comes from one’s own pain. Emotional masochism (sometimes referred to as grief masochism or “glad to be sad”) refers to the emotional pain individuals may inflict on themselves without any intention of stopping. Emotional masochism is a self-destructive behavior pattern.

Emotional masochism is the difference between pain and suffering. Pain refers to the inevitable and difficult events that are a part of the human experience. Suffering is what happens when we reject reality and the pain that comes along with it. Suffering is what happens when we choose to engage in emotional masochism.

What does emotional masochism look like?

Emotional masochism can look different for different people. Common examples of emotional masochism include:

• Ruminating on a trauma or issue

• Becoming protective of traumas or grief

• Engaging in self-punishment

• Practicing self-harm, self-punishment, or unhealthy coping

• Engaging in self-deprecating humor or thoughts

• Setting oneself up for self-defeat

• Developing a victim or failure mentality or identity

• Adopting a hopeless outlook

What Factors Contribute to Emotional Masochism?

Research shows that while there are many experiences which can lead to emotional masochism, people who have experienced any form of trauma may be at highest risk. Other factors include...

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Low self-esteem

• Hopelessness and despair

• Issue with control

Why do people engage in emotional masochism?

There are many reasons why someone might engage emotional masochism. These reasons may include...

• Fearing that moving forward means forgetting

• Fearing that healing diminishes or invalidates our pain

• Believing we deserve to suffer

• Believing we do not deserve compassion, love, or healing

• Feeling despair around healing, growth, or change

• Having a low self-esteem or self-worth

• Feeling protected by these behaviors

• Engaging in these behaviors provide a sense of control

How does emotional masochism affect us?

Emotional masochism is a self-destructive patterned behavior that has many negative impacts on our health and wellbeing, which include...

• Feeling perpetually trapped in our grief

• Losing empathy for ourselves

• Creating self-fulfilling prophecies

• Believing hurting is the key to healing

• Reinforcing negative views about ourselves

• Falling deeper into depression and anxiety

• Developing unhealthy coping mechanisms

• Developing eating disorders

How can we manage emotional masochism?

Managing emotional masochism can be difficult. However, there are things we can do:

• Practice self-compassion routinely

• Challenge negative or rigid thoughts

• Reflect on pain/grief and journal about them

• Seek support from a trusted loved one

• Develop a positive outlook on ourselves

• Separate ourselves from our grief and trauma

• Participate in routine self-care and healthy coping mechanism

• Practice habit replacement techniques

• Engage in radical acceptance as a form of distress tolerance

• Talk to a therapist about these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors