Infidelity is known as the "ultimate betrayal" of a relationship. Infidelity is described to be universally taboo but the question remains: what counts as infidelity? Because there is no agreed upon definition of infidelity, it can be best described as any behavior that violates trust in a relationship. Essentially, it is when one partner gives something that was promised to someone else. Please note, infidelity is unique to each relationship and is dependent on any pre-determined relationship agreement decided on by the partnership.
What is emotional infidelity?
There are two broad forms of infidelity: emotional and physical.
Emotional infidelity is when a relationship with a strong emotional underlying connection develops outside of the main partnership.
Overly confiding in another person (more so than your partner)
Falling in love with another person
Complaining about your relationship to another person
Caring about another person in a romantic way
Flirting with another person
Having secrets with another person
What is physical infidelity?
Physical infidelity refers to when one or both partners engage in s*xual acts with people outside of the relationship (which violate any pre-determined agreement).
Vaginal, anal, manual, or oral s*x with outside partners
Virtual s*x
Paid s*x, s*x work, escorts, or erotic professionals
Hookups or anonymous encounters
Kissing
What are the myths of infidelity?
There are many myths about infidelity, these include:
Only unhappy people cheat.
Women do not cheat.
Only men cheat.
Cheating is the end of a relationship.
"Once a cheater always a cheater."
A relationship cannot heal after infidelity.
If the betrayed partner stays after infidelity, they do not have self-respect.
The "victim" of infidelity is the "victim" of the relationship.
The unfaithful partner does not have morals.
What are the implications of infidelity?
Infidelity is known as the ultimate betrayal. When infidelity is introduced in a relationship, it can lead to serious implications:
Erosion of trust
Termination of relationship, divorce, separation
Anxiety, depression, trauma
In fact, relationship experts suggest that many people impacted by infidelity meet diagnostic criteria for PTSD.
How to repair after infidelity?
Though it is very difficult, a relationship can heal from infidelity. However, all partners must be willing to do the work:
The unfaithful partner must cut all ties with outside partner(s).
The unfaithful partner must "come clean" with complete honesty.
The unfaithful partner needs to hold space for the grief of the betrayed partner(s).
The betrayed partner(s) must engage in self-fulfilling behaviors (e.g.,hobbies, time with friends).
Individual and relationship therapy can be helpful
Developing or revising a relationship agreement may be helpful.
Relationship Agreements
Developing a relationship agreement can be helpful in preventing and repairing an infidelity. Research shows that: 1) many times infidelity happens from assumed monogamy; and 2) many heterosexual couples do not have an explicit agreement. Questions to consider when developing an agreement:
Are we monogamous, monogamish, non-monogamous/open?
What does this mean for us?
What is allowed or not allowed?
How will we communicate infidelity?
How will we protect each other's s*xual health?
Tips for support
If you are struggling with infidelity, there are some resources for you:
Individual therapy
Marriage, Couple, Relationship therapy
The Gottman Trust Revival Method
Esther Perel: Rethinking Infidelity: A talk for anyone who has ever loved (video)
Esther Perel: The State of Affairs (book)
Shirley Glass: Not "Just" Friends (book)
John Gottman: What Makes Love Last?(book)
Safeword: What R&B Taught Us About Cheating (podcast)