What is people pleasing?
People pleasing refers to a pattern of behaviors in which an individual prioritizes the comfort, wants, and needs of others.
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing refers to a pattern of behaviors in which an individual prioritizes the comfort, wants, and needs of others. In other words, individuals who engage in people pleasing tend to put the needs of others above their own.
People pleasing refers to a pattern of behaviors in which an individual prioritizes the comfort, wants, and needs of others. In other words, individuals who engage in people pleasing tend to put the needs of others above their own. People pleasers are likely to prioritize the needs of others even if it means sacrificing their own needs, wants and needs.
What are the characteristics of a people pleaser?
Individuals who engage in people pleasing might tend to...
Strive to make others happy
Fear letting others down
Maintain porous boundaries
Identify as “givers” or as “selfless
Require external reassurance and validation
Feel happiest when helping others
Avoid conflict
What does people pleasing look like?
People pleasing, like many behaviors, can take many forms. Common people pleasing behaviors include:
Difficulty saying “no”
Trouble setting or maintaining boundaries
Avoiding conflict or confrontation
Feeling guilty when setting boundaries
Being too agreeable
Over apologizing
Doing the emotional labor of others
Taking on too many responsibilities
Worrying about the perceptions of others
Wanting to be well-liked
Refusing to ask for help
Neglecting personal needs
Why engage in people pleasing?
There are many reasons why someone might engage in people pleasing behaviors. Some of the most common reasons include:
Trauma
Attachment
Culture
Low Self-esteem
There may also be more than one reason why someone might engage in people pleasing. For example, both trauma and attachment can lead to people pleasing independently, but trauma can also cause attachment anxiety which can lead to people pleasing.
Trauma:
People who have expereinced trauma (e.g., childhood racial, historical, relational, work, and complex) might engage in people pleasing as a form of survival or protection. When someone gets triggered, their fawning response may become activated and lead them to people please.
For example: Having trouble maintaining work boundaries out of fear of disappointing a supervisor.
Attachment:
People with anxious or anxious-avoidant attachments may engage in people pleasing behaviors out of fear of being abandoned.
For example: Apologizing to end an argument and keep partner happy.
Culture:
Different social-cultural and religious norms may encourage behaviors that prioritize the needs of others.
For example: Collectivistic cultures value behaviors that benefit the larger community, which can lead to people pleasing.
Self-Esteem:
People with low self-esteem might develop”agreeable” personalities and engage in people pleasing behaviors as way to be well-liked. This may be especially true for folks who were bullied or ostracized as children.
For example: Agreeing with someone’s side during a conflict so that they view us as trustworthy and like us more.
Why is people pleasing harmful?
It is okay help others, but when helping others consistently comes at the cost of our wellbeing, our behaviors can become harmful and toxic. People pleasing behaviors can lead to...
Resentment
Ruptured relationships
Fatigue and burnout
Self-abandonment
Loss of identity
Anxiety Depression
How to manage people pleasing?
If you are someone who engages in people pleasing, you have probably been doing this for a long time. At some point these behaviors have likely served a purpose, but perhaps they are now causing more harm than good. Here are some ways to manage people pleasing:
Practice setting and maintaining boundaries
Prioritize your needs before the needs of others
Challenge guilt, anxiety, and cognitive distortions
Reflect on what is triggering the behaviors
Practice self-care routinely
Talk to a therapist about these behaviors and related traumas and underpinnings