Why do relationships end without closure?
Ghosting can be emotionally harmful and traumatic, depending on the nature of the relationship between the two people
Have you ever experienced the disappearance of someone truly important, leaving no trace behind? One day they’re there, and the next they vanish as if they never existed. Yesterday you were texting, laughing, sharing, and tomorrow they might disappear. This disappearance is not just the absence of someone, but the unanswered messages, phone calls, basically the silence that follows.
This sudden disappearance leaves you in a confusing situation; you may feel anger and sadness simultaneously. You may wonder what went wrong. In the modern world, this situation is often called ghosting. When someone ghosts you, you may have lots of questions. You may think about your conversation again and again, starting to replay every minute you had, searching for clues. Then you may question yourself, was it something you said, or something you didn’t? The lack of closure makes it hard to move on or start another relationship, because the story ends with complete silence. This confusion might somehow affect people; it might turn into self-blame, increase anxiety, guilt, and shame. This emotional uncertainty is what we aim to address in this mini sketch. We will explore the concept of ghosting, its causes, its effects, and how to heal.
What is Ghosting?
Ghosting refers to the act of abruptly cutting someone off: no calls, texts, or warnings (Freedman et al., 2018; Freedman et al., 2022; LeFebvre, 2017). Ghosting often happens in the context of dating and relationships, but ghosting can happen in any type of relationship, including friendships, family relationships, potential employers, and so many more. For example, a cousin suddenly stops answering your calls after a small disagreement at a family gathering. Or a close friend leaves your messages on “read.” Among those relations, even in professional life, a potential employer may stop replying after a job interview; on the other hand, an employee may quit without notice.
For the person doing the ghosting, it may not have been abrupt. It may have been something they thought about for a while. However, for the person who got ghosted, it may have felt like it came out of nowhere. One moment, they felt like things were fine; the next moment, the person was gone. In turn, they are left feeling confused and without closure. For those left behind, this confusion and unanswered questions often hurt people.
Why Ghosting Hurts So Much?
Ghosting isn’t just rude or inconsiderate. Ghosting can be emotionally harmful and traumatic, depending on the nature of the relationship between the two people. Here’s why ghosting causes so much pain:
Lack of closure leads to heightened anxiety: “Did I do something wrong?”
Rejection can trigger attachment and/or abandonment wounds: “Am I unlovable?”
Ghosting can be dehumanizing: “Did I not matter?”
People turn inward to look for answers: “Is it my fault?”
Ambiguity causes harm: “Is it actually over?”
Why Do People Ghost?
Nowadays, ghosting has become normalized in modern culture, with phrases like “Everyone gets ghosted/ghosts, they’ll get over it.” This normalization comes with a lot of misconceptions about why people actually cut off all contact. The common misconception is that ghosting happens only because of carelessness or miscommunication. However, there are many underlying reasons as follows:
Here’s a deeper dive into why someone might ghost another person:
Avoidance/Attachment anxiety
Discomfort with vulnerability and intimacy
Discomfort with conflict
Fear of getting hurt
Fear of hurting the other person
Emotional immaturity
Regardless of the reason, ghosting someone is almost always about the person doing the ghosting and hardly ever about the person who gets ghosted. However, it may still affect the one left behind and also the one ghosts the other in some ways.
How Getting Ghosted Affects Us?
Beyond what was shared, getting ghosted can have long-term effects on our self-esteem and well-being. For some people, the pain caused by getting ghosted will pass with time, but for others, it may not go away as easily. For some people, ghosting can…
Reopen abandonment wounds
Increase anxiety or depression
Lead to hypervigilance or obsessive thinking and spiraling
Cause people to question their value and desirability
Encourage avoidant behaviors
Lead to fear of vulnerability
Causes difficulties with trust
How Does Ghosting Affect Us?
People who ghost others may feel a sense of relief when they ghost a relationship. However, these individuals do not go unaffected by the ghosting. The sense of relief will fade, and over time, they too may be impacted by their ghosting. When people ghost, they tend to also…
Experience guilt or shame for ghosting people
Hinder personal and reinforce their inability to navigate conflict
Reinforce fears of intimacy and vulnerability
Can experience increased depressive symptoms
Establish or reinforce unhealthy coping patterns
Reinforce poor communication skills
How to Heal From Ghosting?
Healing from ghosting is difficult. This is because ghosting leaves people confused, so they are trying to heal from an event they will likely never get closure from, which can make it feel impossible. However, people don’t need closure to move on, and healing from ghosting is possible. Here are some things to practice:
Validate your experience. Ghosting is painful, and it’s okay to feel sad about it.
Avoid blaming yourself. Ghosting almost always has to do with the other person. It’s not your fault that they could not be direct with you.
Silence = Closure. Although it might be painful, it’s important to find closure within yourself from the situation because you may not get it from the other person. Take their silence as an answer, even if it’s not the one you were hoping for.
Focus on yourself. Reconnect with the things you loved to do before the other person, practice self-care, and rebuild your sense of self-worth.
Talk it out. Talk about your feelings and process them with a therapist or trusted friend. Journaling about your feelings can be helpful too.
Take Aways
Ghosting refers to ending a relationship by cutting off all contact.
Ghosting often happens in the context of dating and relationships, but it can happen in any type of relationship
Ghosting can be emotionally harmful and traumatic, depending on the nature of the relationship between the two people.
The common misconception is that ghosting happens only because of carelessness or miscommunication. However, there are many underlying reasons, such as avoidance/attachment anxiety, discomfort with vulnerability and intimacy, and discomfort with conflict.
Getting ghosted can have long-term effects on our self-esteem and well-being.
Eventhough healing from ghosting is difficult, healing from ghosting is possible.
Referances
Freedman, G., Powell, D. N., Le, B., & Williams, K. D. (2018). Ghosting and destiny: Implicit theories of relationships predict beliefs about ghosting. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(3), 905-924. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517748791
Freedman, G., Powell, D. N., Le, B., & Williams, K. D. (2022). Emotional experiences of ghosting. The Journal of Social Psychology, 164(3), 367–386. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224545.2022.2081528
LeFebvre L. E. (2017). Phantom lovers: Ghosting as a relationship dissolution strategy in the technological age. In Punyanunt-Carter N., Wrench J. S. (Eds.), Swipe right for love: The impact of social media in modern romantic relationships (pp. 219–236). Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
Oxford English Dictionary. (n.d.) Ghosting. Retrieved from: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Ghosting